Previously on American Horror Story: Apocalypse, we witnessed the actual apocalypse, with a ragtag group of glamorous survivors taking refuge at a shelter run by a mysterious organization called "The Collective." By the end of the night, the survivors learned they’d be judged — presumably, in the Biblical sense — by Michael Langdon (Cody Fern), the insanely creepy grown-up child of Vivien Harmon (Connie Britton) and Tate Langdon (Evan Peters) from Murder House.
"The Morning After" dealt with, well, exactly that. Michael, with his Lucius Malfoy hair and funky pink eyeshadow, terrorized and passed judgment on the Outpost 3 gang the next day, while we the fans watched in terror and wondered who would be chosen to survive.
Here were the most positively apocalyptic moments from his reign of terror:
1. Snakes on a Plate
The opening scenes of "The Morning After" were likely Indiana Jones’ least favorite of the night. Emily (Ashley Santos) was spooked by the presence of several aggressively bite-y snakes showing up out of nowhere in her bedroom. (Snakes that, to Coven viewers, looked instantly familiar.) The snakes were chopped up by known meat-lover Miriam Mead (Kathy Bates) and served to the high-society Purple gang in a soup, only for the snakes to come back to life in one piece at first bite.
Thing is, so much happened in the following scenes that the snakes were quickly forgotten.
2. The Rubber Man Returned
Did you wake up this morning expecting to see Evan Peters in full Leather Daddy attire, dancing to "Relax" in a gas mask? Did you expect to see him (as Mr. Gallant, of course) have very explicit sex with the Rubber Man suit his character Tate Langdon famously donned (to rape Vivien, Michael’s mother) in Murder House? No? Well, welcome to American Horror Story, folks.
Backing up a tick, Michael (who is going by the name "Langdon" to the Outpost 3 folks, and will henceforth be called so) explained to the survivors that he’d interview them one-by-one, take the worthy, and leave suicide pills for the leftovers who would surely be eaten by cannibals. The other outposts had all been massacred, and the only safe place left was a fail-safe known as Sanctuary (which is never, ever a good sign in a show about the post-apocalypse).
Mr. Gallant went first, and endured a very personal line of questioning that would make any reasonable HR manager shudder. The whole thing was about sex and hatred — turns out Mr. Gallant was never particularly fond of his grandmother — but it rendered Mr. Gallant all hot and bothered, and very interested in a romp with Langdon.
He assumed that the Rubber Man who entered his room that night and, uh, "made love" to him was his spectacularly coiffed interviewer, but we all know from experience that the Rubber Man is never, ever who you want it to be.
3. Rubber Man Instigated an Incredibly Gory Death
Witnessing Mr. Gallant’s BDSM romp was his grandmother Evie Gallant (Joan Collins), who reported her grandson to Miriam immediately in the hopes of landing herself a coveted spot at Sanctuary. Harsh.
Miriam and Venable (Sarah Paulson) chained Mr. Gallant to their torture room ceiling, whipped him, and interrogated him … then left him behind to face Langdon again, which was ten times worse for him than the whips and chains. Langdon told the clearly insecure Mr. Gallant that he wasn’t the Rubber Man who had visited his room, and wouldn’t sleep with him if he was the last man on Earth. "It’s not because you aren’t physically attractive," he sneered. "It’s your neediness."
This was all Langdon needed to say to ignite the total mayhem he was presumably going for at Outpost 3. (What’s the over-under on the other 9 Outposts being done in by Langdon himself?) When Rubber Man later returned to Mr. Gallant’s room for more sex fun, Mr. Gallant stabbed him repeatedly with a pair of scissors, thinking it was Langdon.
This is when the audience learned that Langdon (or the Rubber Man? Or Langdon controlling the Rubber Man?) has the power to make people see things that aren’t really there. The person Mr. Gallant actually violently murdered was his own grandmother, making Joan Collins our first official "main character" murder of the season.
Au revoir you fabulous, fabulous woman.
4. Venable’s Lies Were Finally Exposed
Of all the fake rules Miriam and Venable made up to torture their charges, the "one kiss per week, no sex ever" rule was the one Timothy (Kyle Allen) and Emily hated most. Totally in love in a hopeless place, the duo sneaked off to Langdon’s chamber and read an email (!!) stating his own frustrations with Miriam and Venable’s insubordination, including the no-sex rule.
This meant 1) that email was still up and running, so clearly other survivors with Wi-Fi were out there, and 2) that they could have sex, which the hormonal teens did pronto. Rubber Man witnessed most of this while hanging from the ceiling, which is just such a Rubber Man thing to do.
5. Miriam Mead Is Maybe an Ice Cream Machine?
Ok, so this was nuts.
Tim and Emily had about 45 seconds of post-coital bliss before Miriam and Venable snatched them up for execution. But Tim, perfect man-specimen that he is, managed to get the drop on the executioner and shoot Miriam straight in the gut.
ONLY THING IS — and it’s a major thing, guys — Miriam’s guts are a wee bit different than mine and yours. They looked sort of like a cheap yellow custard, with grey-ish "bones" spurting the stuff out of her chest like a firehose. It was truly nasty, and made the snake scenes from the beginning of the episode look positively adorable by comparison.
So what the hell is Miriam? Who is running Microsoft Outlook in the post-apocalypse wasteland? Who will Langdon save, and who will end up dead like Evie? And since Billie Lourd’s Mallory brought it up ... which of the four famous movie Chrises was her favorite before they all died in the apocalypse? Chris Evans? Chris Pratt? Chris Pine? Which one?!
We’ll presumably get an answer to at least two of these questions in the coming weeks, and we can’t wait to see how more Murder House characters — and any Coven characters — get involved. Until then, we’ll be cleansing our cabinets of all custards and soups.
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