What. Just. Happened?!
So much happened in the premiere — appropriately titled "The End" — that blew our collective minds, but these are the most catastrophic, cataclysmic, apocalyptic moments of them all.
1. The World Straight Up Ended
So Apocalypse immediately lived up to its name. The opening scene found new characters Mr. Gallant (Evan Peters), Evie Gallant (Joan Collins, scream), Coco St. Pierre Vanderbilt (Leslie Grossman), and Mallory (Billie Lourd) escaping on a private jet flown by no one as Los Angeles, and the rest of the world, went up in nuclear flames.
Unspeakable violence quickly broke out from the poor doomed souls desperate to find a way out. It was a terrifying look at what might actually happen in a sudden apocalypse (references to the 2018 Hawaiian false missile alert were a little too real), and the scariest part of all was that some Angelenos had to die while being yelled at by Billy Eichner from Billy on the Street. (Just kidding, this might actually be the best possible way to go.)
2. A Mysterious "Cooperative" Built Fallout Shelters for Survivors
As everyone else either died in the attacks or of horrible nuclear cancers, two genetically superior youngsters (note to self — finally buy one of those Ancestry DNA kits) were brought to Ms. Wilhemina Venable (Sarah Paulson), mistress of "Outpost 3."
At Outpost 3, funded by a mysterious organization called The Cooperative, an upper class of genetic superiors (or uber rich people) called "Purples" were selected to survive. Purples got to lounge, dine, wear Victorian finery, and get waited on hand and foot by an underclass called "Greys."
But as great as surviving the apocalypse sounds, Timothy (Kyle Allen) and Emily (Ashley Santos) soon learned that being a genetic match to survive the apocalypse has its disadvantages. Namely, that you have to respect the insanely creepy Ms. Venable or else, you can’t leave the building ever, you can’t have sex or you’ll get shot in the face, you have to listen to the same song on repeat every day, and your diet consists of gelatinous vitamin cubes and mineral water.
So basically, dying of nuclear cancer might have been the better option.
3. Sarah Paulson Psychologically Tortured People
The Gallants and Coco (Purples), as well as Mallory (a Grey), also made it to Outpost 3, joining the other Purples, Dinah Stevens (Adina Porter), Andre Stevens (Jeffrey Bowyer-Chapman), and Stu (Chad James Buchanan) But by the time Tim and Emily arrived, they were already miserable after two weeks of mind-numbing boredom, and pure psychological torture from Ms. Venable and her partner-in-crime, Ms. Miriam Mead (Kathy Bates).
As our poor suffering heroes tried to not go insane, Venable and Mead got a whole lot of laughs out of making things even worse. While the Purples and Greys drank mineral water, the house mistresses toasted with champagne, and laughed about having nothing to do but inflict punishments on their charges.
4. Cannibalism Happened
One fun thing that Venable and Mead did with their extra time was pretend that one of the Purpleshad broken the rules and become contaminated. They brought Stu and Mr. Gallant to an anti-contamination chamber (giving the AHS audience a chance to see Peters in the buff), and had an unnamed minion shoot Stu in the head; even though we later learned they’d fudged their testing system just to have an excuse to murder a guest.
Later, Venable and Mead gave the Purples a much-needed break from the vitamin jello cubes by serving them an actual Stu stew. (One can’t help but wonder if Stu was selected for this fate just because of his name.) Oh, and Evie was totally into it! We have no idea who these two women are — though Mead said she’d spent much of her past in a military family, serving The Cooperative — but "The End" made it quite clear that they’re both terrible hostesses.
5. Michael Langdon Returned...And Is Maybe the Devil
We still have to wait and see how the Harmon family and Coven witches will join in on the fun, but the end of the episode found the presumed leader of The Cooperative arriving to Outpost 3, 18 months after the apocalypse, with some terrifying news.
He was an all-grown-up Michael Landon (Cody Fern), the baby of ghost Tate Langdon and now-ex-human Vivien Harmon at the end of Murder House. His arrival was foretold by Billie Dean Howard (Paulson’s Murder House character) and she predictd he would bring about the end of days. Accurate. When we last saw Michael he was a toddler murdering his nanny with his grandmother Constance (Jessica Lange) by his side, but this Michael was a fully-grown adult with a Lucius Malfoy haircut and some really, really bad news for Outpost 3: the rest of the Outposts were dying one by one. He was there to inspect the Outpost 3 survivors and take any "worthy" ones with him to another, safer location. He made it quite clear that the un-chosen would meet a pretty nasty fate, and that Venable herself was not immune from the slaughter.
Given what Ms. Howard already told us about Michael’s destiny, along with Tim seeing a mysterious "666" appear in his shower steam … might we assume that Michael is the devil himself? We’d bet three days worth of vitamin cube rations on it.
You can watch the season premiere of American Horror Story: Apocalypse ad-free on FX+